


Unbearably Sweet...

by darlingcarmilla



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Carmilla being a useless lesbian, Carmilla's POV, F/F, Lesbian Romance, POV First Person, cuteness??, philosophical broodiness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-11
Updated: 2014-10-11
Packaged: 2018-02-20 18:36:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2438720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darlingcarmilla/pseuds/darlingcarmilla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Basically another story from Carmilla's POV, a slightly longer ficlet than my other, in which Carmilla is generally broody and very gay for Laura and super poetic and philosophical about it... What a nerd.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unbearably Sweet...

On the 17th eve of my acquaintance with my room mate, I was rather weary, although generally my preferred time of wakefulness is beyond the hours of the sun, whose rays considerably weaken me (though I am assuredly more adept at handling its strength now that I no longer must endure those horribly binding corsets... I used to faint in such light in combination with the hard pressure on my insides.) I now find I am able to endure much more than I could as a young vampire. However, I shall return to this night which was dreadfully tiring. I felt lethargic and upset, and I soon realised I had not been allowed to rest so well as I might have otherwise with a less disruptive room-mate. Though disruptive is perhaps an adjective which belittles and therefore cannot accurately describe the strength of her impact on me. Honestly, she consistently plagues my thoughts with her soft features, and interrupts my dreams with her sweet lips beckoning, all this without her own awareness of it. This naïve, sweet girl with her strength of character is constantly tugging on my heartstrings, and my ability to rest comfortably has been threatened, and yet I am glad for it, joyous almost... Ridiculous as it may seem... 

I had been growing in lethargy and weakness, and yet, when Laura asked me, sweetly and nervously if I might court her for one day in order to deter potentially dangerous male suitors who had clearly overstepped their boundaries previously, I readily accepted first and foremost out of the deep selfishness of my heart. My thirst and devoted emotions toward Laura had been steady and still are. My love for her could not have been held back by anything but a threat to Laura's safely. This situation was exactly opposite to those circumstances, not only did my heart leap at the chance to treat Laura as if we were courting for a day (not to mention the possibly of her acting romantically toward me, God), my heart would never allow me to abandon her in a situation in which I could provide her safety. My heart is a terribly demanding element of me, and before I could begin to contemplate the consequences of my actions I had accepted her invitation. Which was obviously the worst course of action. Although Mother wished for me to keep her well, safe and close to me, I didn't want to follow her rules, but I also didn't want her to get suspicious, but Laura was supposed to hate me so that Mother would see that this progression would take time. 

Nevertheless my heart overtook my mind and filled it with beautiful imagery of intimacy with Laura, the brush of her fingers against my skin, her breath on my neck, her lips close to my own, they filled my heart with hope. Though, for some reason I found myself unable to completely give myself over to any joy, and, in my own stupidity I allowed my mind to wonder why. At this point in time I found horrific images of my dearest Laura being tortured and kept by Mother, starved and eaten, helpless, and shrouded in the unbearable darkness with haunts my nightmares, worst of all I could feel with clarity a depiction of my own helplessness, being unable to save my love, though she held onto some distant hope which spurred her onwards. As I attempted to stumble away from the darkness and horror which lay in the pits in my mind I instead found myself thrown more deeply into the vivid imaginings forming themselves further as I tried to escape them. Imagining a Laura who had endured such torture after I had betrayed her, a Laura who was withered and worn away by monstrosities I dare not put into words, and then, worst of all, she would despise me. She would despise me, and I would be helpless, I could not make her forgive me, and I could not help her survive and recover, my darling would try to kill me and I would wish it. Then I realised it had been there all along, hiding in the recesses of my mind, half hidden in beautiful images I had let myself be distracted by. All these horrors had been lurking as I let myself indulge in false, sweet future imaginings which could never be.

I did my best to push this all away. The horrors, that is, but they continued on, plaguing me, so that in my hours of freedom from the sun I found myself occupied with fear and terror. I could only gaze at the stars in my terror, pulling any comfort I could from their reassuring light. By daylight I felt weak enough to sleep a little, some of my restlessness has been beaten by pure weariness, but my dreams were vivid and terror-riddled. I dreamt of Laura, and the horrors that would befall her, and all my terrible, horrible helplessness which kept me from being of any use, of any aid to my love. I awoke to some horrible, misty, soft creature, attempting to lure me into the darkness of despair, but I found instead the reassuring touch of Laura, the concern in her face was so comforting I felt immediately easier in mind. I found my eyelids fluttering back closed until I blinked some more and shot up, in panic and murmured, with some agitation, “Dear God, is something wrong? Why did you wake me!?” For I realised that she would not dare to touch me until there was some matter of urgency plaguing her.  
“I'm sorry, it's just that you looked like you were in pain, and you were moving around a lot...” she bit her lip with such an adorableness that I could do little to hide my clear infatuation, though my face was soon clouded with mortification at the realisation that she had seen my fits of fright. It was awful and humiliating that she had seen it, and now I wished I was asleep again. Her face contorted into worry and I felt my heartstrings being tugged despite the embarrassment, I was supposed to look after her after all.  
“I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself!!” I did my best to harshen my expression a little, I didn't (sort of) want her to form an attachment with me... to some degree... Her expression changed again to a mask of mild hurt and upset.

“But I... thank you. I was, having a nightmare, and it was,” I found myself blushing now, giving away my emotions, I could scold myself later I supposed... though the mortification seemed sufficient punishment really, “rather comforting to have your face to, uh, help soothe my fears...” the shock on her face was apparent, so I tagged on some new slang to uphold my annoying persona “...Cutie.”   
However, to my surprise, her reaction to this was not frustration as usual, but instead she appeared to be... flattered? I found myself overwhelmed with uncertainty and the if my heart were able to beat I am sure it would be the sound echoing in my brain. Instead my brain was filled with the blushing face which Laura held before me, flustered and speechless. I found myself disarmed, and unable to continue. How would I endure this false courtship tonight? I could hardly bear Laura's flustered expression. I found myself drowning in her loveliness, wishing I could pull her into my bed, and draw her to my breast, find infinite comfort in her Heavenly scent. I wanted to sink the the bottom of it and rest in it, to recover from the horrors fresh in my brain. Only Laura, with the strength she lent me transcending the stars, could melt so easily such horror from my mind.   
“Would you... stay here... a little longer?” I begged gently, knowing I shouldn't. I felt so wrapped up in her presence that I could not help but stumble into dependence so easily.   
“Uh... sure, but... you know we have to go in, like, an hour, right?”  
“Sure cupcake...” I murmured, doing my best, though I desperately wanted to pull her whole being to me fiercely, to be gentle as I pulled her hand closer to me, clutching it (as non-desperately as I could) to my chest, “I just want to... rest... a little longer, with you... and, recover...” I felt myself slipping away from any care, I had vague thoughts of how she might interpret my actions but it was a dull thought overpowered by my comfort and the warmth of my darling Laura's hand. I lay for some time, comfortably, lying with her and it felt almost an eternity. I was sort of frozen into a position and yet I felt guilty, I shouldn't be doing it, I should be hostile, but I lay anyhow, with some unease, but also joy and uncertainty until all too soon Laura gently tapped my shoulder with her other hand, and as I opened my eyes I found her sweet face focussed so intently on me that I was again embarrassed and flustered. The long-dulled uncertainty about her feelings on the matter were pulled from the depths of my mind and were now to complete focus of my mind's energy.

Laura remained in her still position, I still clutching her hand, as she murmured, as if in a dreamy, trance-like state “We... probably have to go soon.”  
“Alright, okay cutie...” I murmured in response, wishing desperately to stay frozen with her, feeling helpless against her letting go. But she remained with me, passively, leaving her hand with me, waiting patiently. It was a kind gesture on her behalf, I am sure she didn't want to remain that way, and yet she did seem to find some pleasure in my pleasant state and instantly I felt myself growing warmer, melting at her feet and wishing she loved me as I do her. I kept my eyes fixed on hers, and I felt that we remained in some unspoken agreement, a beautiful spell that could be easily broken at any moment. It was such a wonder, fragile state of affairs, and I wished so desperately to remain in the spell, I would remain there, bound forever, trapped and condemned to gaze at Laura's starry eyes forever. But finally I roused myself, the guilt had finally built up to a point where I could no longer ignore the time, and so I said “I think we have to go to your party soon...” and so the spell was broken and she suddenly resumed her usual pace of action and replied,  
“Oh yeah, we'd better go soon!” and then she added a little nervously, “Do you think this looks alright?” and gestured awkwardly at her flowing cream dress, which was perfectly desirably and sweet, sitting loosely around perfectly around her pale, delectable figure...   
“I'd say so...” I feigned nonchalance Laura dragged me toward the door.

In her presence I felt it was all I could do to maintain a facade of anger and moodiness, while in actuality I was doing my best not to grip her hand more tightly or draw her whole body to me, trying to erase any hints of how desperate I felt. Despite our closeness, I felt that it wasn't quite enough, I felt torn, as if I were being teased by some cruel fate, reminding me of Laura's impending future, capture or escape from... well, from me... forever, if she desired safety. Her scent was so delicious and her manner so endearing that by the time we reached her party I felt overwhelmed by all my feelings for Laura. But, I had forgotten the promise of my false courting, for, just prior to our entering the room with music coming from it, Laura pulled herself in closer to me, pressing her soft skin against my own, and giving me the closeness I so strongly desired, the warmth, the touch... I feel so much more overwhelmed than I could have imagined possible in all these years since... Well, since Elle. With Laura's lovely, small body pressed against my side I felt myself bursting and at once I pulled back and cried out a little, and Laura looked at me curiously, with concern rather than the anger I had expected. 

She was not frustrated with me, but worried... she said immediately “Are you okay? I'm sorry if it was too sudden, I didn't want to push you into this, I could find someone else if you like... do this another night...?”she found herself at a loss for words and simply looked at me, using her eyes to plead with my heart, and I felt twisted and torn into small pieces. Small, worthless pieces and I could only reply, “I am sorry, I'm so sorry Laura. I don't know what happened...” I found the space between us confronting again, now that we weren't touching, it was... anything... any proximity to Laura was too much for my heart to bear.  
“No, no. Don't be sorry! I didn't mean to force you to do anything...” she looked upset, and disappointed in herself, and worried... worried for me. Worried about me, her terrible room-mate who she should despise.   
“No! You didn't... you didn't force anything. I... I just didn't realise how hard this would be...”  
“How hard what would be?”  
“T... touching you...”  
“Why? Am I that annoying? Do you hate me that much?”  
“No... it's not that, I just, feel myself... Oh God. Oh God...”  
“What?”  
“I'm such an idiot.”  
“How so?”  
“You're such an idiot too though. I'm an idiot for not realising you're an idiot.”  
“Why? How?”  
“How could I not see it?”  
“See what?”  
“You wouldn't notice anything... You were just being nice... You're always just... being nice.” I could no longer conceal my emotions, and I became horribly embarrassing, I began to cry... which seemed to shock her horribly, and her lovely eyes widened with worry and uncertainty.   
“Please don't cry...” she began, touching her hand lightly to my shoulder. At once her touch only evoked more emotion in me, and I cried out, “Dear God, I love you. I have a stupid, idiotic desire to court you. Truly, not just falsely. And here I am... so weak... so... naïve to think that I could go through with this false courting. This pretending for a night. I'm sorry Laura... I'm idiotic to think I could, I overestimated myself... Forgive me...”

At these words she did something unbearably sweet; she ran and threw herself at my body, and enveloped me in an embrace which left me weak and melting again. Melting into the sweetness she had thrust upon me.  
“How can you... embrace me... at a time like this?” I felt myself choking the words quietly into her hair.  
She pulled away gently and replied slowly, “I... I'm sorry I didn't know... I never would have thought you could...” and here she gave a somewhat self-satisfied grin which left me somewhat frustrated and mortified but also further melted by it and I could only blush and murmur about my embarrassment.  
“Oh? Do you... do you like that? Did that make you blush?” he she let out a giggle and I felt my heart being pulled from my chest and contorted in various shaped as she went on, “Do you... like...” here she again squished her warm body against my own and looked up into my eyes so that they were dangerously close to mine and continued, “...this?”  
“Get off me you foolish human!” I found myself growling at her, still flustered, as I attempted to fling her from my body, painful as it was. She was surprised and pressed on with her torture. “I'm sorry I... What's wrong? Do you hate me?” another pain shot through my already bruised heart.  
“No, no... it's just that... such a proximity. I won't... be able to control myself, and I don't want you to...”  
“You were gonna bite me!?”  
“Much worse than that!” I muttered, embarrassed. How could she be so dense. “I could hardly keep myself from kissing you.”  
She grinned at me again and laughed a little, “Oh my God! You wanted to...”  
“Want to.” I corrected her, surprised at my own boldness. To which she responded in a manner which was so quick and overwhelming and unforeseeable that I just about collapsed when she leaned forward and gently placed a kiss on my lips before pressing herself to my side and whispering gently in my ear “Perhaps we should just go back to the dorms...”  
Of course, I could hardly resist any suggestion she made from that point. She could tell me to thrown myself into the Underworld and I would numbly take up my place there, and so we returned arm in arm. Her kiss was something I could hardly believe had actually happened. I felt as if I were walking in an unreal state of ecstasy. Some imagined scenario which was certainly too wonderful to be real. But the warmth against my body, the scent which Laura bathed me in was so heavenly I could not have imagined it. And I certainly would not have imagined her gently guiding me into bed, and then crawling in after me, as some adorable infant, and then curling into me, holding me through my dreams, and holding my nightmares at bay. Enveloped in her scent and warmth, I slept peacefully with Laura by my side, hardly daring to believe it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this~^^ If you wouldn't mind I would love any comments you have~!!


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